You have to be the lighthouse..... right?

Its a phrase I have been mulling over...

You have to be your own lighthouse. Standing on the shore being strong, attracting those boats to you!

But on the shore, its windy, its cold, your alone in that lighthouse. Its winter there's snow, not many boats are passing by. It get lonely out there all on your own.

I wonder if I want to be part of the village instead, cozying up in front of a fire in a pub with some fine young thing and making myself happy.

Its a strange phrase. I understand it, but it promotes a sense of loneliness. As if there is only one boat for you, one path and you have to stand on your own all alone to get it. I mean yes it is important to stand strong in your beliefs, not sacrifice your own happiness and never run after every little thing that gives you attention.
You have to somehow keep those strong beliefs of "I CAN DO THIS!" and have no fear in the face of loneliness.

I also thinks its important to relish in others company, go out, find a community, find strength of yourself reflected in those around you. No one does this alone...
NO one stands like a lighthouse on the shore of forever waiting for their boat to come in. They visit the village, they cook, they make things, its all about striking a balance.

I want to be strong, confident, and powerful. A survivor of my own lifes misfortune. But I also want to be part of you, have my heart be the one you write ur poems on. I want to be part of the love that is spread, from one touch to another.

I find being a light is important, but be a torch that can be passed from hand to hand spreading your joy, your confidence your power. Be the one others can learn from. Be the example.

Don't be the lonely lighthouse...

Fill the air : let your life have meaning

tell your soul
that it´s deep and true
tell your heart
that every day is new
tell your voice
that every song´s a bird
and put some truth
into every word

tell your soul
that it´s pure and kind
tell your heart
to leave all worries behind
tell your voice
to make each song a prayer
to make it heard
and to fill the air

fill the air

tell the day
that it’s bright and new
and tell the morning
to let midnight through
tell the hours
to make each minute pray
to live it out
and to fill the air

fill the air
- eivor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-GSWib4d_c

Waking life

I feel as if I am somehow alive an dead at the same time... As if life is simply the same as dreaming with a different element of control and freedom.

What if you are dreaming right now? How do you know what dreaming is.. Maybe your alive in your dreams and dreaming right this second...

These are questions you must ask yourself.. In the end does it matter.. If you alive right now how are you living?
Are you living everyday to the fullest potential? Or are you waiting for your dream state to escape the life you live..

What if you lived your life like a dream? What if you chose to live outside of the boundaries of everyday life? What if you wanted something you simply asked for it? What are you doing right now to fulfill your destiny your dream?
Or are you going to dream away Ur waking life .. N live away your dream state?

I think fear and isolation are the two main factors in deciding what we are ..
Dreaming or awake.. If were awake we have responsibility , we fear rejection by society and ultimately we fear death...

What if we Removed thoughs confines and simply relax into being. Accepted this is out state and we will choose to live it to the best to our ability. Because we deserve life, happiness joy love.. All come from living out your will.. Your true potential..

I realize it's lonely on the shore of your life.. Being the lighthouse stable and confident can get lonely.. It can be isolating.. But if we reach out.. Pull those people closer to us.. It will be more manageable.

I am saying in short; if you were dreaming right now.. And this was your escape .. Would you be happy?

Fear: melancholia

After Forcing myself out again tonight I took to watching a film called melancholia.

Fitting in it's title and easily relatable.
Part one Justine : a wedding the bride wasn't happy, she wanted the wedding to please everyone but herself. In the end pleasing no one and losing everything.

This planet melancholia is approaching earth and going to destroy it. Fitting metaphor for that critically depressive point, where nothing matters, and everything hurts... Where there is no where to hide and nothing is going to save u...

Part two: Claire
The loving sister who cares for Juliette through her "I'm unable to bathe stage... " and we have all been there.

The planet passes and relief comes then returns .. Dances toward the earth in this hypnotic dance... Like a car crash unable to stop and unable to
Turn away....

If you take it as a metaphor an illustration if you will of depression n sadness. You see it comming but it hypnotizes u... And what's more fun then to watch a girls self destruction right... I am still mulling over the metaphors in awe of it's accuracy.

You see the one (husband of Claire) who puts in faith in science as if it will save him. An absolute: nothing can be false in science... When his beliefs prove faulty he crumbles n commits suicide.. A common affliction among us I know..

Then Claire who was so put together, living caring for her ill sister.. It is as if Claire wakes up when her death is approaching and she fights hysterically until her last moment realizing she will lose everything... And cries...

And Justine who knows she has nothing left to lose has the most strength in the end. She has seen death n this life is no use to her. She accepts her fate.. Is strong

I metaphor for life it seems... We know I have seen death, know it's value. There is nothing I can believe in more then my own experience .. My own beliefs and in the end when you have nothing to lose you are the strongest you will ever be...

Fear nothing ... Life should be lived in each moment... Each experience ..
Melancholia will come .. What will u do then?

Friends <3

I found myself not continuing with this blog these past couple of weeks. I was scared to leave my house again, all my time was spent either with him or shut up in my appt. Not ok !

I forgot to do things that were scary! I forgot my mission in the city ! I got spooked by someone who was holding my heart ... Fragile I was affraid of even the smallest misstep.

I have since took back my heart, my power and went out tonight. I went with coffin boy to a friends. We made a veggie curry and watched a German foreign film that was amazing !!!

I forgot how important it was to just get out and go. Put Urself out there ! I owe them a bottle of wine for real!

Next movie night or jenni's party! N fuck I am going to her party this time I get invited! dressed as a doll n gonna put myself out. Cause guess what I can!

So lesson here is keep just pushing Urself to go n have fun! I must listen to myself, take my own advice and keep this up or I'm gonna be a depressed mess..

I am gonna do this! <<33
Alone<3

enjoying a night off

I was afraid he didnt want me.. like it was my fault
Like somehow our only relationship needed to contain steamy sex in order to continue..

FEAR BASED THINKING!

I stopped n realized.. OK i can sit here n play and his tablet and he can work on his wax sculpture and talk and were ok.

He taught me ninja moves and how to fight and how to react to being attacked.
We watched some funny british TV
I learned how to sketch on a tablet.
I learned why the Rider Waite tarot sucks ass... And no matter how much i love my deck and i think its time to move on..
Probably to Paulina Cassidy's cause i really dont like the Marseille deck he has.

I enjoyed passing out in his bed.
I enjoyed waking up beside him..
Making me eggs...

And I like being around the boy..
Thats ok...
Its ok that we didnt do anything..
that we just relaxed in each others company.

I have not to fear that i am somehow being dependent or clingy.
Or that I NEED his or anyones atention.

To be honest this is all fear based thinking and once i realized that and stepped back from the situation I realized that.

Its ok
Thats all i need to know..
Its ok

Sometimes gripping hurts... Let go

Let go...

Thats right.. That goal is gonna work out.. Ur doing everything you can right?
You covered you bases...

Then let go..
Losing the grips of the things u fear to lose.. Let life carry away things you no longer need leaving you room to grasp new things..

Let them go.. The ones who cannot see there is no resolution just a revolution a growth into something better...

Let to love breath n trust ur heart ... It k nows n isnt nieve as it once was..

Just let it be...
Let it go..
Feel the wind touch you hands ...

The world is big and thrilling...
Explore it ..

Let go
Freedom is what we love for...
Not being under anyones anything ...

Let go
Breath
Expand

You are part of everything
Everything is part of you..

Trust

my message for today: confessions

I don’t love u
Though id want to share my life story with you
Wrap you up in words and tie you with meaning

With no real attachment to forever
Maybe tomorrow we will find each other
Lost in anothers story

But for now…. I don’t love you
Though id want to share my bed,
my sleepy Sunday mornings
your fingers on guitar
thoughts swirl in my head
to another chapter of my story
no meaning just intense
connections , you another journey
something to hold onto
until tommorow finds me
drags me off till morning
holding onto this moment

I want to wrap you up in meaning
Tie you with confession
Maybe I don’t love you
But id like to…

Maybe I don’t love you
But id like to

Trusting yourself that you're worth it!!

After a week of hell: stress, doctors appointments, crisis after dramatic crisis. I was exhausted, fragile n had enough essentially.

But instead of running, seeking reassurance, or pushing those i truly cared for away. I stopped: asked questions. I knew i was worth sticking around for! I knew my self worth n how resilient I am.

So why did i think after a simple miscommunication i would lose everything. Was i not worth a reconciliation ? Was i not worth a little understanding...

My mother always told me "you only get hurt when you expect things" my father never met up to the father expectation so i learned early. I dont expect anything... I dont even plan ahead. I never know where im going to be 12 months from now. So why expect a perfect relationship n all that bullshit essentially. Can we not just enjoy today and be secure in knowing we are worth sticking around for?

Things change, people change so right now: thats what matters.

I know im worth it, i know how awesome i am how much my heart gives n i know my worth.. I also dont think im above anyone nor do i pitty those who dont see or respect my worth.
I simply myself as a fitting everywhere, always moving always willing to try something new.

So if thats the case : know your self worth. The difference between reassurance and clarirty is a back bone.

Own it!

Sometimes it is not alright

Fear is enveloping me these days: I don't want to go out... N try new things.

I do not want to try so hard.. I got invited to many many parties and I just didn't want to put myself put there and go!

I want to try new things I'm craving it, but I don't have the energy for it.

Even after all my work is done.. N I stand here with nothing holding me back. I think I'm going to venture out tonight. I have nothing holding me back.. No excuse...

If I don't like, I'll go home.
Sometimes u have to talk Urself into doing things...

Sometimes

Fear not :HAPPINESS

The moral of the story : guilt

When we don't allow ourselves the bliss of being happy we give others the power over our well being.

Guilt is a tricky thing: restrictions to what were supposed to do, what's "right". If we go against that and act out our will, our guilt creeps us on us. That little voice in your head going: "you shouldn't do that, that's not right". That voice that spins about in your mind and ruins an awesome experience.

Well today is the last day your going to let that affect you. You are going to go out there n act your will. Do things that make you happy! Enjoy the experience while it's happening n share that experience with others! Because you can!

I am tired of the guilt voice saying : but but but... Like I'm sorry this is my life.
As soon as you take back that control that's all that matters <3

So I'm having a wonderful life here with people, lovely friends and new lovers amazing opportunities n freedom. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

Truth be honest

Truth is a complicated word: no one knows if things are true or someones perception of true. Is something true when a person is not being "true" to themselves?

So truth be honest post :

My ex called me vanilla in bed: honestly that is far from the truth!
Experimenting with boys in general has brought out a totally free side to myself!
Needless to say when I'm having great sex I am super happy! I feel gratified and at one with the energies of the universe. Pleasure is amazing and telling yourself other wise is not truth!

That was my fear tasks of the day. Being true to myself and admitting how much I enjoy the company of men right now. I love how free I am. How open I can be and how non judgmental men are when it comes to sex.

There is this stigma that if you like sex your a whore and dirty and all this
Shit.

Honestly I think I love being with raven n laughing with him in fae at 3 am...

I love having the freedom to
Explore!

I just want to be free from all the drama , the bitching, the emotional baggage! I love LOVE! but I also need some breathing space... Love isn't suffocation or dependence! That is me being honest. I'm not mama ameara I
Can't take care of you n force you to do your hw and eat regularly! It's not my job!

I am a lover n I love being like this...
Stigma or not...
This feels awesome ;)

Fear of wanting more =guilt complex

Yesterday I was confronted with the question: "if you could manifest anything in Ur life what would you want?"

I said nothing: I have good job, in school n doing ok, good friends in the world, and here. Really needing nothing ! But then I said "but what do I want!"

It's hard to let yourself be selfish in these situations. You see those around you struggle and are thankful for what you have. You don't want to be selfish and ask for more, ask for better when you see everyone around you is asking to survive.

But I thought to myself I am not gonna have many chances to manifest with such power... And I am helping those around me as well.

( I have been working on Magick candles all week for my gypsy family!)

So I guess instead of looking at things I could control, money, school, friends etc. I started investigating things out of my control like: school applications for my masters, and getting into the program I'm so desperately working towards.

So I didn't manifest things I could immediately control with hard work. But I allowed myself to dream of the future and go where I would like to in the world. Who am I? Right?

So I asked for something without being afraid of the karmic repercussions. Knowing this is something I am working towards too, so this is just and aid!

I have a hard time being selfish.... But for this I will:)

Saying yes!

Tonight was a night of firsts:
Invited to a dinner party with people I didn't know.. Yes I'll come!

Hey I have a free ticket to this metal
Rock show later who wants to come.. Yes sure I'll come with u why the hell not!

Hey big or small piece of pie .. Big piece!

All of these things seem small and insignificant. You would say sure to the party be awkward n then go home. You would say no to the concert n have a small piece of pie because that's what is expected right?

Wrong do whatever you want even if it's cause the girl is hot, or because Ur scared n wanna meet new people.. Just do whatever YOU want!

Fear is this magical expectation we have of "no that's not "right" that's not what I should want..." Right ??

Wrong these ideas are societies which means they are ideas that no one judges .. We all just play by the rules.. But no one is standing with a clip
Board saying "no you can't do this".

So do whatever you want! Who
Cares... If I see them again awesome if not .. Life isn't a precious gift you need to save every second n stay as safe as you can. You only live once it's short .. So live for yourself .. Not the fear

To be self sufficient = love lost?

A thought the passed from me this late arrival to the day.

Yes we must be self sufficient, we must rely on no one for our inner happiness and we must find our joy in life.

But what about the purpose of our existence LOVE.

Why are we here if we can not connect with others and love. Love does not have to be this life altering force, where we lose ourselves and becoming simple reflections of the love you project.

What if you could love and expect nothing; love to simply give of yourself to another. Do we as psychologists forget the importance of
Love and connection.

This might all be an illusion but why not bask in the enjoyment of it while we can. This life happens only once if we chose so why can we not simply bask in the joy and beauty of this life that is Love!

I believe those who fear love and connection have been bitten by the monster that describes itself as love. But is nothing but a hungry monster taking And taking from your existence for substance.

Love is no monster it is simply giving your light to another, basking someone in warmth. That is love...

We must not be afraid to love again, and again...

Our existence is based on love to live without it, is denying the main joy in life.

Fear of being alone

I slowly realized over the past couple of days I was moving from one dependency to another.

I needed someone there, to make me happy, keep me distracted etc.

Tonight is about the fear of sitting in silence with your own thoughts. About being nothing but who you are... And owning that.

I have been running for so long, it's time I sat in my own silence and found it comfortable. Which it isn't ... It's painful and paranoid and running me underground with all it's negativity. My mind is my own enemy at this point.

How do we gain control of ourselves then: reading another friend of mine's blog has helped me understand everything is in my control. I must focus and meditate on the positive and it will wrap me like a blanket.

So my mantra for this evening is: I did this before her, I can do this after... I am valuable and worthy to be part of the beauty of this life. Tonight I will sit in my silence and sleep these doubts gone. Tomorrow I will wake refreshed and able to make the day whatever I chose.

To another night of freedom.
Ps I will link the referenced blog tomorrow :)

Relinquishing Control

Relinquishing control ...

I am used to have a plan then a back up plan, I am not used to having to put trust in anyone .. I carry my phone, purse with me everywhere .. Bus pass keys etc in case I feel like bolting when I am uncomfortable. I never let someone have control of that... I always try to keep control of where I am and when I am comfortable ..

Last night I left it at home I had money n that's it .. No phone no keys no bus pass no safety net .. I trusted someone not leave me in an unknown place with unknown people .. I let someone to control if n when I could leave ...

I had a panic attack not gonna lie . Being alone in a place with people I didn't know . I tried making comparisons to people I found comforting it helped but I was scared, shitless actually ..

The awkwardness made me wanna run away n hide, but he had the control and I let him ... I guess that's progress..

Fear is something that ruins and runs my life both! But I'm doing it! I'm relinquishing control and trying so hard to let it flow ..

In other relationships as well I'm trying not to dig my claws in an become possessive or obsessed . I am trying to let the other person have control and just flow with no expectation .

I don't want to own anything or control anything anymore... It's exhausting ...
Now to just let karma flow and allow my life to unfold when it's in my hands is going to be challenging ...

Well see how well I fair in this ...
Wish me luck and hope I don't go insane in the process

<<33

fear of letting go

I see only one true path: and it is experience

Having this life and no other I feel the need to experience life.
No longer run by fear into the dark shadows of my being I am free.

I want to hold no one under my thumb, control no one by my being and simply be.
Freedom is something that can cause fear is all of us, but it is trusting those you give yourself to. To be open and honest and expect nothing but opportunity to explore.

I am back to my real form with nothing to hold me back but me.
I am beginning to understand the beauty of this place, this life...
And it has nothing to do with ownership, with losing yourself in the limitation of a person. They physical bounds are only temporal and I finite.

I chose infinite and universal...
Please let me be ...
For you will never understand the last of freedom if you do not allow yourself to be free, alone and beautiful.

<3 love you all

I have one last word, you cannot be torn by expectation and duty. Duty is a figment of the past and you should allow those to have freedom around you for they will crave you more for giving them space. For they will find their comfort in you.

<3

the power of creation

Beware of the power of creation, if you manifest you can destroy.

Fear is something I am no longer letting run my life, and yes I have destroyed my paradise in the process.

Sometimes things need to burn in order to make new beginnings, or heal and mend old wounds. Be aware that you can create and manifest perfection.
It also means you have the power to destroy that perfection.

I have seen the downside of fear, and conquering it has set my life a flame.
I only hope for karma to be kind, and for life to show me a new path.

To be honest I felt stuck, and limited once you tackle your worst fear you see before you infinite possibilities.

I felt stifled, even if she understood she did not allow me the proper space and freedom I needed.

Fear has a nasty side... Freedom!! You don't know what you wish for until its there, and then what?

Now is the what..
We will see what this brings.

I cannot take responsibility for every emotion another person has. I love but I do not expect to be your guardian, your protector from yourself. That its not me.

I fear nothing n hope for the best.

resetting your synapse

One little point I want to write about while I hope time.

Re-setting your synapses in the brain: it's conditioning your thought process when you think of something that causes you fear.

I was taught recently that when I flash back: or panic because of fear I think of a picture of the response how that response feels. Or when was the last time i felt like it, or the memory of the trauma. I picture it front of me like a hollogram, i focus on it make it smaller and smaller and darker until its far from me until my heart beat relaxes and until it dissapears.

This is great for restructing ur thoughts but what about bodily responses, I have a hard time with panic attacks and my body reacts to triggers I am no conciously aware of. What then?? I was walked through and excersize where when i panic, I try and reassociate what the trigger was to what just happened. As in pain, but what caused the pain? It wasnt that tragic event from my past it was something in my present. Which could also bring me pleasure, So i ground the feeling not from the past memory but I try and reassociate the pain to the pleasure response of the passing moment. Therefore anytime i now feel that sort of pain, it doesnt bring back to memory of pain, it then brings back the pleaure aspect of the pain. There pain becomes pleasure.

You can do this with fear: parents bothering you? Their words are hurting but instead of picturing their hurt in the memory you change the floating memory in front of you to have your parents speak like clowns or cartoon characters. Now you have re-associated your fear and hurt into laughter and hilarity.

Any memory can be handled the same way.

being honest with the ones you love...

Fear is a hard thing to tackle when you need to be vulnerable and open with the one you love most. The reason I think we fear being open with the ones we love about things that we fear might upset them: is because we fear losing them. We fear hurting the ones we love, being judged negatively and being abandoned.

These are the people closest to you: the ones you hold in the center of your heart that no matter what you expect to be there to help you through and you would do anything for likewise.

It is hard to talk to you lover about fears you have, about things that you fear in the bedroom, about comfort levels etc. It leaves room for judgment, it leaves room for pain, hurt and disappointment.

Its these things that matter most though and the more you avoid them for fear of hurting them the more you might actually hurt them. It is better to be honest about how your feeling and if your with the right person they will help you work through it or allow you to work through it without judgment. Sometimes simple understand is what you need. You don't know if they will understand unless you talk about it.

I love my girlfriend with all my heart, and I honestly would never do anything to hurt her. I hold her as a precious object and I have issues of fear and control I need to work through. It was scary to talk through and try to make an understanding. I know I am with the right person because she is allowing me the room to do all this. I mean she encouraged me to move here (upon threat of leaving me lol to force me to actually go through with it!), she encourages my days out alone, my striving for new experiences like going on on stage at last nights open mic! Which was exhilarating by the way!! Next week i wanna perform Adele's black and gold! But back to the point she is allowing me to live and grow independently. She knows she has my heart and i want to be with her for the rest of my days. But i also need to gain control of the pain, the hurt, the fear that runs my life. Its fine the be positive about it, but I have made the choice not to lay and suffer in it any longer..

It takes someone that really loves you to watch your grow independently and not worry of me growing away from her. I love her with all my heart and I find that all these experiences are making me appreciate her more, and love her more not for the parts of her I have seen before but for the potential person I can see her becoming.

Love is a strange thing, but when you are honest and open and understanding love grows to levels unimaginable!

Accepting what you don't know

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days.. I have been horribly under the weather!

Scary things I have done over the past couple of days:

Going out to a club when I did not feel like it. I mean it was my birthday after all so yes I didn't have a great time. Clubbing isn't really my thing unless its a dark rave or goth/ metal club. But spending time with my sister was worth it. But note to self men are gross and keep them away! I do not find men attractive and I wish I had a stick.. But alas my sister is an amazing dancer.

Another scary thing I did was accept what I didn't know at work! I mean I don't know everything, I know a lot but there are things I don't know. It is ok to ask or simply be told by my boss to read the back lol. I actually love my job it makes me learn and keeps me motivated. It is important to ask! I mean you can give people the wrong advice and wrong information can do a lot of harm. It is important to keep this is mind. When you don't know ask.


Another large stride I have been making is: Stop self doubting, stop projecting my insecurities on others. It is hard when you feel vulnerable and alone but it is important not to project those fears on others. This means don't back away from a situation because you feel like they don't like you/ are bored etc. It is important to hold that fear inside you and wait it out. You have to stand there and think there is a reason why they are there or they wouldn't be spending time with you.
I have to continue to remind myself that not everyone judges me or looks down on me. I am an amazing person and have real joy and gifts to share with the world.

I think people need to read that every morning!!!
Don't be afraid of your own shadow!

AM

New things aren't scary in the right shoes!

I started my new job today! I love it, the atmosphere and the new duties. I was so apprehensive today starting: worried I wouldn't be able to perform. I wouldn't know enough.

The things a wise gypsy women taught me is... Walk like you know what your doing and it will all come to you. Today I walked in legs shaking and I acted like a gypsy witch and I was one. Things I didn't think i knew came to me, I found things using my psychic abilities and it was easy!

My boss is awesome!! I find things to do and I love what I do there, I really help people and I feel like I am making a difference!!

I was afraid i was going to fail but I imagined doing well and I did.
The key a friend I slowly teaching me is manifest, just change it. Just do it, your mind has more power then you ever thought possible and if you simply think differently your world will change.

I sometimes wish i could be so skilled. I will learn.

I simply have to look in the fear and change it from fear to excitement, change the cognition to change the behavior. Fear is nothing but negative excited, I am going to try my best and turn it positive. Positively excited about my new job! New friends who are teaching me so much already!

Another day of work tomorrow.. and Hypnosis synopsis

Hello?? Is anyone out there?

Day five: Hi is your best friend

It never hurts to say HI! That is my lesson: HI is a very powerful word.
It can connect you to another person, make them smile, reach out to their lonely existence. It is remarkable what one word can do.

I used it twice today!!

I met Matthew the Shiastu man, I walked into work and was looking for supplies because well I needed to do some sort of magick tonight. So I needed a new 7 day candle and some new incense, and maybe new faery offerings. I was looking around I said HI to the other wanderer in the shop and proceeded on my way.

After finding my supplies and my intuition finally at peace, I asked if I could stick around and wait for my manager, I took two santaria books off the shelf and found a chair and there was wandering guy. Who said hello! I was like ok, cool I can talk to strangers so I sat down and made small talk. He introduced himself and explained he worked there doing shiatsu. We chatted I told him I was psychic, I mean it’s a magick shop if I can’t come out of the psychic closet here where can I right? He discussed my control issue and out of nowhere proceeded to help me. He made me visualize a switch or a dial rather and try turning it with my mind. It worked; I mean I stopped reading him and everyone in the shop. We talked about our cities and where we came from, where we traveled to etc. It was two hours later and time flew by, I never had a conversation with someone I barely knew that was so revealing, so intriguing and so easy. It felt like a therapy session but instead of leaving angry and confused, I left happy and light. Connecting with another person made me feel better.

I liked him, A man, I liked his company. I enjoyed our banter and I didn’t want to throw him into a brick wall. He even joked about Emilie! Like whoa you get my jokes? And banter along with me? I was in shock. Needless to say I am enjoying talking to strangers. The anxiety about what they think, if they are mocking you all disappears because I don’t care. It was a one time thing, if next Tuesday we work together awesome! If not oh well. It was nice. Shiastu man your cool in my books.

Now to make friends in my college! Yikes!

Just check ...don't worry

Day four: The job

I got a call in class around 10 am, I was sitting in lecture panicked: It was my magick shop they’re calling me saying I don’t have the job. Oh no, I Don’t have caller ID, or voicemail. What if What if…. The thoughts ran over part of my mind until I walked out the library doors sat down on a picnic bench. I didn’t know so why was I expecting the worst!!

I sat in the sun and made a deal with fate: if someone talked to me then I would call them. I sat in the sun picked away at my muffin and “hello do you happen to have a pen?” the girl from the next table asked. DAMN that was fast! I gave her my pen pulled out my laptop sat down and DIALED.

Again panic set in, what was I doing! Ringing, I asked for Valerie she wasn’t there I explained why I was calling and they suggest I speak to Scarlet. I did and it wasn’t her who called that morning though something led me to call! I got the job!!

I GOT THE JOB!

I am now going to be working part time at a Magickal Supply shop called: Melange Magick! I am excited! When they call back with the details I must remember to thank them! I got so caught up in my psychic moment I forgot to! She was a little shocked as well which its always fun.

Alas I wait for another phone call. Waiting is always the worst part I find… Anxiety! I always prefer to get things over and done with. (This also depends on me tackling my fear as well.) Fear hasn’t let me down yet, if I don’t let it get in the way!!

I am excited.. Imagine I would still be here waiting if I didn’t call. I would probably have given up hope and be quite angry! But I am not all because I didn’t let me scare me!

<3

How forget about the what ifs....

Sunday the goal: Budget

Honestly my worst fear and running out of money, and with this new move all the expenses sitting on a credit card waiting to be paid off, no job and loan waiting to be approved. I am more then just a little stressed to say the least.

Being faced with only kraft dinner and ramen in your cupboard you have to face reality that you need food. To buy food you need to have money and it forced me to sit down and budget.

I am sorry but I am used to having some sort of safety net, aren’t we all? I mean the reason some people don’t make moves like these are because of the fear of lack of funds. Being faced with this presenting problem I had to act, sit down figure out how much I would need for rent, and bills for the next two months. My just in case fund- in case the loan get delayed, potential jobs fall through I had to make the money I had left count.

I sat there, heart pounding empty stomach, and though. How much can I live on, how much do I need. I picked up my calculator (iphone app of course) and crunched the numbers. It wasn’t as scary as I thought. If I simple save and only buy what’s necessary I can do this. I transferred my spending money into my chequing account and proceeded to the store. My heart raced, I walked through the park and breathed and grounded myself. I can do this, why do I have the need to starve but have money in my bank just in case. I would rather be unhealthy and unhappy but save money for a rainy day. It was then I swallowed all the butterflies in my gut and decided: TODAY I was going to buy food! I wasn’t going to buy kd and ramen and soup… I wasn’t going to starve myself. I walked in and painfully spent 50$ which is more then I thought possible. I bought things to make meals and prepared myself for the upcoming week. I walked out and felt proud that I was going to get this job on Monday and if not my loan will come. I will continue to hand our resumes if I have to. I am not going to starve to be safe.

That was my main fear… NO money… I tackled that.. Seems simple to you who have steady income… but this is scary and new for me… Isn’t it always hard to live on the edge, to live without a safety net! To not save for that rainy day. Its always scary when you have nothing to fall back on. But it always makes you work harder.

A day in the park

One week here and 4 official days alone.
This has been one hard transition, I am used to people being around 24/7. Someone to call, someone popping by for a tea etc. It is strange to be so alone in a city full of people.

The thing I fear most is being alone in a public place; sitting in a park alone without my earphones to distract me is unbearable. I have never made it 20 mins alone in a public place without anything to hide behind.

Today’s goal: Go to the park across the street and sit without ipod, without earphones for as long as I can…..

I did IT! I enjoyed the sun; there was a wiener dog contest and show going on at the dog park/run. There were little puppies everywhere, in costume with funny names like Oliver or Salami! Think about all I would have missed out on if I put my headphones in, the random French people on the phone, the girls talking about their new roommates. I just realized the world is beautiful and less scary unplugged.

I think its easier to hide behind our headphones, be anti social and safe in our little bubbles of comfort. Though I think it really separates us, we walk with our heads down and get caught up in our own world. We feel less connected to each other and community that surrounds us.

I want to declare that I lasted 5 hours! I enjoyed myself… I laid in the sun and drew, and read and EVEN practiced POI spinning in public! The fear of performing an act or dance in public as practice with no intended audience is terrifying. Will people stare or laugh? What will they think I’m doing? What will they think of me? All fears…. Now what I realized when doing this was: most people were intrigued or didn’t care. A man sitting on the statue applauded me when I got things right and when my moves really became smoother. I learned how to transition from one move to the next today… He clapped and laughed along with my mistakes.. A random stranger.. A little girl stopped to watch! As the balls kept spinning I lost myself in my work and forgot all the fear! I laughed at my mistakes; I talked to my balls that didn’t want to fly anymore. I became one with my work. Guess what?? It wasn’t scary I will probably go back tomorrow and spin more… And lay in the grass and draw more! And read next to a tree and people watch and bask in the wonder I missed out on. All because I was scared to be alone…

Little things like this affect more then just me… Being alone is scary, its being vulnerable, its being uncomfortable and its nerve wracking… the first time. Soon you will realize everyone is alone, and no one has a protection shield around him or her. It is ok to sit and bask in the sun on a warm day; no one is going to judge you. It is ok to lay and draw and paint in a park. No one cares.

The lesson of today… People care a lot more about themselves then they do you.

I find that when you make a change in your life, it is erratic. Not every scenario can you be prepared for no matter how hard you plan.

It is the miracle we call life, we learn to deal with things the best we can with whatever tools that are built into our bodies. Some of us are stronger then others and have different ways to cope.

I always find that throwing myself into change is the best way to force coping. It is the best way to develop or use the tools we are given. No it is not the more efficient way nor the most logical and profound way. Though I argue that when we force change upon ourselves, we forget the fear that held us back and we start the journey to living up to our true potential. We forget the fear; once we learn there is nothing to be afraid of these small steps into fearful lands of change become larger and bolder. Conditioning ourselves to be better people for ourselves, in turn making us happier, healthier beings.

It is fear that holds us back in life, whether it be fear of failure, rejection, pain it is these fears that interfere with our life. The life we are meant to live. Fear can force us into an unhealthy but safe relationship that makes us unhappy, but we are too fearful to be alone and find happiness for ourselves elsewhere. It can be in the form of fearing failure that keeps us in a career or job that does not satisfy us again creating unhappiness in our lives. It could be we are too fearful for those around us that we hurt and close opportunities off from ourselves because we don’t want to hurt others. Sacrifice is all around us for safety, security, and comfort. Though what we must understand is yes those are valuable things in life, but they are not life itself. We are meant to live, change, grow and be happy. If we are not happy in life we cannot love each other, our lovers, our jobs, our children and ourselves. What is the purpose of life without love? Some may argue duty and honor, but that is a hollow life. Fear is the center of unhappiness, it is the center of our malaise as a society. Fear is what is holding us back from greatness.

I believe if we had nothing to fear, we would be a more successful and happier society. We used to be, until 2011 until shock and fear were the only method the government and media used to control the society. It is a way of controlling us, of boxing us in cages that we stay in willingly.

It is a time for change, a time for lightness and a time for happiness for betterment for betterment sake. No it will not be safe, and no it will not be comfortable. On the otherside of the battle will be greatness, peace and a better world. The period of hardship will be small if we as a society shed these fear ideals and let potential take us.

It sounds like a hippie, non-educated rant. As a psychology student you cannot help but see gaps in the system, in society in general. If only we could make you all see this one at a time, but we fight the media bombardment etc. Its as if we cure and addict: then send him back in society with pushers waiting at the door. It is an uphill battle to make people risk, lose and gain in other ways besides monetary security and balanced checkbooks. It takes a lot to allow yourself to fall. It also takes a world to end its rigidity and begin becoming softer to cushion the fall for those who jump.



THIS BLOG : WIll be a day to day challange. I will do one thing a day that scares me. I will go out of my way to make my life uncomfortable so we all may become a little more comfortable. Its an experiment of the toughest proportions.
I meet this challenge with open arms.. I have made a lot of changes in my life. I am living in a new city not knowing anyone at all. I am living alone for the first time, going to a school where i know no one. This is gonna be a year but I'd love to take you along with me and show you how scary life ISN'T if you just don't have fear.

Lets do this together!
Ameara