Fear: melancholia

After Forcing myself out again tonight I took to watching a film called melancholia.

Fitting in it's title and easily relatable.
Part one Justine : a wedding the bride wasn't happy, she wanted the wedding to please everyone but herself. In the end pleasing no one and losing everything.

This planet melancholia is approaching earth and going to destroy it. Fitting metaphor for that critically depressive point, where nothing matters, and everything hurts... Where there is no where to hide and nothing is going to save u...

Part two: Claire
The loving sister who cares for Juliette through her "I'm unable to bathe stage... " and we have all been there.

The planet passes and relief comes then returns .. Dances toward the earth in this hypnotic dance... Like a car crash unable to stop and unable to
Turn away....

If you take it as a metaphor an illustration if you will of depression n sadness. You see it comming but it hypnotizes u... And what's more fun then to watch a girls self destruction right... I am still mulling over the metaphors in awe of it's accuracy.

You see the one (husband of Claire) who puts in faith in science as if it will save him. An absolute: nothing can be false in science... When his beliefs prove faulty he crumbles n commits suicide.. A common affliction among us I know..

Then Claire who was so put together, living caring for her ill sister.. It is as if Claire wakes up when her death is approaching and she fights hysterically until her last moment realizing she will lose everything... And cries...

And Justine who knows she has nothing left to lose has the most strength in the end. She has seen death n this life is no use to her. She accepts her fate.. Is strong

I metaphor for life it seems... We know I have seen death, know it's value. There is nothing I can believe in more then my own experience .. My own beliefs and in the end when you have nothing to lose you are the strongest you will ever be...

Fear nothing ... Life should be lived in each moment... Each experience ..
Melancholia will come .. What will u do then?

Friends <3

I found myself not continuing with this blog these past couple of weeks. I was scared to leave my house again, all my time was spent either with him or shut up in my appt. Not ok !

I forgot to do things that were scary! I forgot my mission in the city ! I got spooked by someone who was holding my heart ... Fragile I was affraid of even the smallest misstep.

I have since took back my heart, my power and went out tonight. I went with coffin boy to a friends. We made a veggie curry and watched a German foreign film that was amazing !!!

I forgot how important it was to just get out and go. Put Urself out there ! I owe them a bottle of wine for real!

Next movie night or jenni's party! N fuck I am going to her party this time I get invited! dressed as a doll n gonna put myself out. Cause guess what I can!

So lesson here is keep just pushing Urself to go n have fun! I must listen to myself, take my own advice and keep this up or I'm gonna be a depressed mess..

I am gonna do this! <<33
Alone<3

enjoying a night off

I was afraid he didnt want me.. like it was my fault
Like somehow our only relationship needed to contain steamy sex in order to continue..

FEAR BASED THINKING!

I stopped n realized.. OK i can sit here n play and his tablet and he can work on his wax sculpture and talk and were ok.

He taught me ninja moves and how to fight and how to react to being attacked.
We watched some funny british TV
I learned how to sketch on a tablet.
I learned why the Rider Waite tarot sucks ass... And no matter how much i love my deck and i think its time to move on..
Probably to Paulina Cassidy's cause i really dont like the Marseille deck he has.

I enjoyed passing out in his bed.
I enjoyed waking up beside him..
Making me eggs...

And I like being around the boy..
Thats ok...
Its ok that we didnt do anything..
that we just relaxed in each others company.

I have not to fear that i am somehow being dependent or clingy.
Or that I NEED his or anyones atention.

To be honest this is all fear based thinking and once i realized that and stepped back from the situation I realized that.

Its ok
Thats all i need to know..
Its ok

Sometimes gripping hurts... Let go

Let go...

Thats right.. That goal is gonna work out.. Ur doing everything you can right?
You covered you bases...

Then let go..
Losing the grips of the things u fear to lose.. Let life carry away things you no longer need leaving you room to grasp new things..

Let them go.. The ones who cannot see there is no resolution just a revolution a growth into something better...

Let to love breath n trust ur heart ... It k nows n isnt nieve as it once was..

Just let it be...
Let it go..
Feel the wind touch you hands ...

The world is big and thrilling...
Explore it ..

Let go
Freedom is what we love for...
Not being under anyones anything ...

Let go
Breath
Expand

You are part of everything
Everything is part of you..

Trust

my message for today: confessions

I don’t love u
Though id want to share my life story with you
Wrap you up in words and tie you with meaning

With no real attachment to forever
Maybe tomorrow we will find each other
Lost in anothers story

But for now…. I don’t love you
Though id want to share my bed,
my sleepy Sunday mornings
your fingers on guitar
thoughts swirl in my head
to another chapter of my story
no meaning just intense
connections , you another journey
something to hold onto
until tommorow finds me
drags me off till morning
holding onto this moment

I want to wrap you up in meaning
Tie you with confession
Maybe I don’t love you
But id like to…

Maybe I don’t love you
But id like to

Trusting yourself that you're worth it!!

After a week of hell: stress, doctors appointments, crisis after dramatic crisis. I was exhausted, fragile n had enough essentially.

But instead of running, seeking reassurance, or pushing those i truly cared for away. I stopped: asked questions. I knew i was worth sticking around for! I knew my self worth n how resilient I am.

So why did i think after a simple miscommunication i would lose everything. Was i not worth a reconciliation ? Was i not worth a little understanding...

My mother always told me "you only get hurt when you expect things" my father never met up to the father expectation so i learned early. I dont expect anything... I dont even plan ahead. I never know where im going to be 12 months from now. So why expect a perfect relationship n all that bullshit essentially. Can we not just enjoy today and be secure in knowing we are worth sticking around for?

Things change, people change so right now: thats what matters.

I know im worth it, i know how awesome i am how much my heart gives n i know my worth.. I also dont think im above anyone nor do i pitty those who dont see or respect my worth.
I simply myself as a fitting everywhere, always moving always willing to try something new.

So if thats the case : know your self worth. The difference between reassurance and clarirty is a back bone.

Own it!