Sometimes it is not alright

Fear is enveloping me these days: I don't want to go out... N try new things.

I do not want to try so hard.. I got invited to many many parties and I just didn't want to put myself put there and go!

I want to try new things I'm craving it, but I don't have the energy for it.

Even after all my work is done.. N I stand here with nothing holding me back. I think I'm going to venture out tonight. I have nothing holding me back.. No excuse...

If I don't like, I'll go home.
Sometimes u have to talk Urself into doing things...

Sometimes

Fear not :HAPPINESS

The moral of the story : guilt

When we don't allow ourselves the bliss of being happy we give others the power over our well being.

Guilt is a tricky thing: restrictions to what were supposed to do, what's "right". If we go against that and act out our will, our guilt creeps us on us. That little voice in your head going: "you shouldn't do that, that's not right". That voice that spins about in your mind and ruins an awesome experience.

Well today is the last day your going to let that affect you. You are going to go out there n act your will. Do things that make you happy! Enjoy the experience while it's happening n share that experience with others! Because you can!

I am tired of the guilt voice saying : but but but... Like I'm sorry this is my life.
As soon as you take back that control that's all that matters <3

So I'm having a wonderful life here with people, lovely friends and new lovers amazing opportunities n freedom. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

Truth be honest

Truth is a complicated word: no one knows if things are true or someones perception of true. Is something true when a person is not being "true" to themselves?

So truth be honest post :

My ex called me vanilla in bed: honestly that is far from the truth!
Experimenting with boys in general has brought out a totally free side to myself!
Needless to say when I'm having great sex I am super happy! I feel gratified and at one with the energies of the universe. Pleasure is amazing and telling yourself other wise is not truth!

That was my fear tasks of the day. Being true to myself and admitting how much I enjoy the company of men right now. I love how free I am. How open I can be and how non judgmental men are when it comes to sex.

There is this stigma that if you like sex your a whore and dirty and all this
Shit.

Honestly I think I love being with raven n laughing with him in fae at 3 am...

I love having the freedom to
Explore!

I just want to be free from all the drama , the bitching, the emotional baggage! I love LOVE! but I also need some breathing space... Love isn't suffocation or dependence! That is me being honest. I'm not mama ameara I
Can't take care of you n force you to do your hw and eat regularly! It's not my job!

I am a lover n I love being like this...
Stigma or not...
This feels awesome ;)

Fear of wanting more =guilt complex

Yesterday I was confronted with the question: "if you could manifest anything in Ur life what would you want?"

I said nothing: I have good job, in school n doing ok, good friends in the world, and here. Really needing nothing ! But then I said "but what do I want!"

It's hard to let yourself be selfish in these situations. You see those around you struggle and are thankful for what you have. You don't want to be selfish and ask for more, ask for better when you see everyone around you is asking to survive.

But I thought to myself I am not gonna have many chances to manifest with such power... And I am helping those around me as well.

( I have been working on Magick candles all week for my gypsy family!)

So I guess instead of looking at things I could control, money, school, friends etc. I started investigating things out of my control like: school applications for my masters, and getting into the program I'm so desperately working towards.

So I didn't manifest things I could immediately control with hard work. But I allowed myself to dream of the future and go where I would like to in the world. Who am I? Right?

So I asked for something without being afraid of the karmic repercussions. Knowing this is something I am working towards too, so this is just and aid!

I have a hard time being selfish.... But for this I will:)

Saying yes!

Tonight was a night of firsts:
Invited to a dinner party with people I didn't know.. Yes I'll come!

Hey I have a free ticket to this metal
Rock show later who wants to come.. Yes sure I'll come with u why the hell not!

Hey big or small piece of pie .. Big piece!

All of these things seem small and insignificant. You would say sure to the party be awkward n then go home. You would say no to the concert n have a small piece of pie because that's what is expected right?

Wrong do whatever you want even if it's cause the girl is hot, or because Ur scared n wanna meet new people.. Just do whatever YOU want!

Fear is this magical expectation we have of "no that's not "right" that's not what I should want..." Right ??

Wrong these ideas are societies which means they are ideas that no one judges .. We all just play by the rules.. But no one is standing with a clip
Board saying "no you can't do this".

So do whatever you want! Who
Cares... If I see them again awesome if not .. Life isn't a precious gift you need to save every second n stay as safe as you can. You only live once it's short .. So live for yourself .. Not the fear

To be self sufficient = love lost?

A thought the passed from me this late arrival to the day.

Yes we must be self sufficient, we must rely on no one for our inner happiness and we must find our joy in life.

But what about the purpose of our existence LOVE.

Why are we here if we can not connect with others and love. Love does not have to be this life altering force, where we lose ourselves and becoming simple reflections of the love you project.

What if you could love and expect nothing; love to simply give of yourself to another. Do we as psychologists forget the importance of
Love and connection.

This might all be an illusion but why not bask in the enjoyment of it while we can. This life happens only once if we chose so why can we not simply bask in the joy and beauty of this life that is Love!

I believe those who fear love and connection have been bitten by the monster that describes itself as love. But is nothing but a hungry monster taking And taking from your existence for substance.

Love is no monster it is simply giving your light to another, basking someone in warmth. That is love...

We must not be afraid to love again, and again...

Our existence is based on love to live without it, is denying the main joy in life.

Fear of being alone

I slowly realized over the past couple of days I was moving from one dependency to another.

I needed someone there, to make me happy, keep me distracted etc.

Tonight is about the fear of sitting in silence with your own thoughts. About being nothing but who you are... And owning that.

I have been running for so long, it's time I sat in my own silence and found it comfortable. Which it isn't ... It's painful and paranoid and running me underground with all it's negativity. My mind is my own enemy at this point.

How do we gain control of ourselves then: reading another friend of mine's blog has helped me understand everything is in my control. I must focus and meditate on the positive and it will wrap me like a blanket.

So my mantra for this evening is: I did this before her, I can do this after... I am valuable and worthy to be part of the beauty of this life. Tonight I will sit in my silence and sleep these doubts gone. Tomorrow I will wake refreshed and able to make the day whatever I chose.

To another night of freedom.
Ps I will link the referenced blog tomorrow :)

Relinquishing Control

Relinquishing control ...

I am used to have a plan then a back up plan, I am not used to having to put trust in anyone .. I carry my phone, purse with me everywhere .. Bus pass keys etc in case I feel like bolting when I am uncomfortable. I never let someone have control of that... I always try to keep control of where I am and when I am comfortable ..

Last night I left it at home I had money n that's it .. No phone no keys no bus pass no safety net .. I trusted someone not leave me in an unknown place with unknown people .. I let someone to control if n when I could leave ...

I had a panic attack not gonna lie . Being alone in a place with people I didn't know . I tried making comparisons to people I found comforting it helped but I was scared, shitless actually ..

The awkwardness made me wanna run away n hide, but he had the control and I let him ... I guess that's progress..

Fear is something that ruins and runs my life both! But I'm doing it! I'm relinquishing control and trying so hard to let it flow ..

In other relationships as well I'm trying not to dig my claws in an become possessive or obsessed . I am trying to let the other person have control and just flow with no expectation .

I don't want to own anything or control anything anymore... It's exhausting ...
Now to just let karma flow and allow my life to unfold when it's in my hands is going to be challenging ...

Well see how well I fair in this ...
Wish me luck and hope I don't go insane in the process

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fear of letting go

I see only one true path: and it is experience

Having this life and no other I feel the need to experience life.
No longer run by fear into the dark shadows of my being I am free.

I want to hold no one under my thumb, control no one by my being and simply be.
Freedom is something that can cause fear is all of us, but it is trusting those you give yourself to. To be open and honest and expect nothing but opportunity to explore.

I am back to my real form with nothing to hold me back but me.
I am beginning to understand the beauty of this place, this life...
And it has nothing to do with ownership, with losing yourself in the limitation of a person. They physical bounds are only temporal and I finite.

I chose infinite and universal...
Please let me be ...
For you will never understand the last of freedom if you do not allow yourself to be free, alone and beautiful.

<3 love you all

I have one last word, you cannot be torn by expectation and duty. Duty is a figment of the past and you should allow those to have freedom around you for they will crave you more for giving them space. For they will find their comfort in you.

<3